A sexless marriage doesn’t necessarily mean a marriage completely without sex, it revolves around how often or frequent, you have sex in your marriage.
In defining this term you come to realize that a large number of couples, especially those in the United States, could only be having sexual intercourse merely 5 or 6 times out of 365 days of the year.
Experts define a sexless marriage as a relationship wherein the couple has sex no more than 10 times in any given year, or less than once per month.
Sexless marriages are more common than most care to admit, and the reasons often complicated. Around 20% of marriages are categorized as sexless, this statistic varies higher with age.
Unfortunately, many cases go unresolved and eventually end up in divorce as a result of a sexless marriage. Typically, you find former couples blaming each other. No one admits to being the cause, and that’s part of the problem.
Physical intimacy is a premier component of what makes a marriage. Besides physical health, physical intimacy is second only to emotional intimacy in the maintenance of a healthy marriage. A sexless marriage is synonymous to a vulnerable marriage. Sex is important in every marriage it promotes the feeling of bonding and brings on the fun.
But some couples fail to understand this – especially when children come into the picture. The prevalence of sexless marriages skyrockets after children for a multitude of reasons.
Do note, although sexual intimacy is a generally accepted sign of a strong intimate relationship – it’s not the only sign. Plenty of couples do not engage in sexual intimacy for reasons associated with mental, physical health and preferences but still maintain strong relationships.
But the big issue does arise when one spouse disagrees with the missing sexual component. That is often the case with most sexless marriages unless both individuals come to accept it.
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Causes of Sexless Marriages
When there is no sexual closeness in your marriage, it often hints at something more nefarious and in the prolonged form, the marriage will become weak if it goes unfixed and often times the marriage will end in a divorce.
There are certain things that lead to a sexless marriage and knowing it means you are a step closer to building up your marriage again.
No Bonding Time
This is the major cause of a sexless marriage. When you spend less time with your wife – in most cases your work is the top priority – you care less about other things including being close.
You fix uptight schedules that do not allow you to spend time with your spouse; this weakens the marital bond.
There will be little or no fun in your marriage as a result of this because you have to be connected to your partner before you can actually have fulfilling sex.
As a couple, you don’t talk about the deeper feelings with each other. Or blame your spouse for any little problem, withholding your praises, control or shame in issues concerning money etc.
All these can cause what is otherwise known as intimacy anorexia when you purposely withhold sexual and emotional intimacy as resentment.
Being a Sex Addict
This is the elephant in the room because many people deny it.
Sexual addiction makes you develop the habit of watching pornographic movies all the time. The longterm effects of porn are well studied, and they are not good. Overexposure and desensitization to sex can change your behavior towards your self and others.
This leads to a sexless marriage because you have tried to stop and you failed; you spend more time in your addiction, you begin to pull away from your marital duties, you can’t just act normal if you can’t have access to your addiction.
If the issue is porn addiction, it calls for bigger help than this article. Your spouse is definitely feeling the impact; your marriage gets weaker by the day as a result of this.
This is the most common reason for a sexless marriage, your sex drive according to research reduces with age especially at the age of 40.
At the same time, it’s true that intimacy can be more pleasing at this age because spouses are more comfortable and settled to explore. Although age is a factor, don’t overcoat the issue with the age excuse.
Lack of Attraction
In some cases, partners lose attraction for each other. Or it can be just one party losing this attraction for the other.
I’m referring to physical attraction here; you just let your self go, you don’t keep up with those things that made your partner get attracted to you anymore.
Some instances include weight gain; you don’t dress well anymore; you’re missing unhygienic upkeep.
This is the most mistake people make, we feel like when we get married, we don’t need to “work” anymore. We feel comfortable and “let ourselves go.” Your partner can lose attraction if she or he fails to see those things that got them attracted to you in the first place.
It’s no news that familiarity breeds contempt, this is another cause of a sexless marriage.
You begin to take your partner for granted because you have spent so many years together in marriage, at the same time constant bonding can lead to a sexless marriage.
You just have to look for different methods to try out in spicing up your marriage to avoid getting bored of it.
Sex Drive Difference
Oh, nature can be cruel and unfair. One spouse may have a very high level of sex drive while the other spouse has a very low on naturally.
Sex drive is not equal in this case, leaving one party suffering the most or feeling neglected, while the other feels pressured, this leads to problems in your marriage and makes it sexless in the long run.
A possible solution for this could be implementing changes in diets, increasing libido enhancing foods, and other aphrodisiac products.
Most cases of sexless marriages revolve around depression; you may get depressed as a result of unresolved anger or grief, this can cause difficulty in concentration, low energy, lack of sleep weight gain or loss and lack of interest in sex.
How to Fix a Sexless Marriage
Now you know some of the more common reasons for your marriage being sexless – as a man – the next thing you should do is to seek advice and solutions that can change the situation of your marriage from being sexless to healthy sexual fun. Below will be that advice you have been seeking for some time now.
Rooting the Problem
When trying to do this, endeavor to do it with love, care, and compassion, don’t sound harsh, or apportioning blames on her, this will make the situation get worse. Sit her down and talk to her as your wife, express your feelings, make your intentions known to her, in all have empathy, know her own side of the story, make her feel comfortable talking to you about it without the fear of you getting hurt, or raising your voice at her. This is the first step in solving the problem of your sexless marriage. Remember communication is the key and it is very effective.
Date Each Other Again
You probably got lazy in your marriage because you felt too comfortable. If you want your marriage to be full of sexual drives and intimacy, you need to stand up and fight for it!
Think about the little things you did for her while you were courting that she so much cherished, why did you stop?
Get back to them immediately, put your time into your marriage, surprise her when she least expects it, always remind her that you are such a huge fan of her, make her feel special. This brings that sexual feelings and desires back.
Re-evaluating Marriage Needs
This is the secret key to fixing up your sexless marriage. Continue trying to reassess your emotional wants with your partner when both of you are together.
Do not dwell within past mistakes, forgive them and let it go. Don’t try to bring it up nor judge them.
You are changed people now, embrace the change and keep innovating in your marriage.
Power of Polarity
In order to bring back the intimacy in your marriage, both intimate parties need to understand their martial roles independently.
It may sound very cliche but masculine and feminine energies exist – from hormones, societal expectations, ingratiation, and genetics.
What I’m trying to say is: men and women are different. And we excite each other because we are different! He’s big and strong, she’s sweet and driven.
The importance of this can causes problems in the marriage, which at the end leads to sexless marriage. Understand the power of differences will go a long way in your marriage.
Build Up Sexual Tension
Do things that will make her think about sex. This is what sexual tension implies, things that will want to make her rip off your clothes, bring them back on, build it again, and watch that sexless marriage turn into an intimate one with all the passionate pleasures.
Play With Her
Women’s bodies are different. It is a myth that women do not like sex as much as men. Most women loveeeeeeeee sex.
Bump into her with a surprise touch that she would not expect. Play with her hair. You can help her out in the kitchen just for fun, hug and kiss her most of the time especially if she is off to work.
I don’t mean to become her personal slave but do these things moderately so she will notice. With the passage of time, she will start loving all of it again.
Plan an Erotic Date Night
Are you looking for a little extra loving? If the issue is simply missed romance then having an erotic date night to get the sparkles going could be a solution.
I know it might feel awkward and too simple of a fix for most cases – remember it’s ok not to have sex on that first date again. This is a gradual step you will take first in order to get there.
You don’t need to feel shy to reconnect sexually. It’s that important! Going on dates, even lying naked together or just touching, is good enough of a start for your first re-date.
Variety Adds Spice
This saying is very true, especially in sexual affairs. Sex is like food, having sex is like eating a certain type of food. All people can like or dislike food. This applies to sex too. A certain type of sex style always makes you bored.
You should try a variety of styles in sexual intercourse for it to become exciting. The predictable nature and familiar comfort of sex can backfire; if you can’t think of any, you can resort to Karma Sutras for help. Also, be playful with your partner about this, talk to her about sex, the discussion alone can trigger growth and development at this stage.
Before you hit the sheets, you can practice mindfulness! You go naked with her on the bed, just doing nothing. Pay close attention to your breath, your body, physical and emotional feelings. Be in the moment without doing anything. Being mindful before sex can make sex more natural. With full connection and concentration and much more fun. Bring back all those sexual feelings and emotions bac. Your sexual intimacy and marriage can start to move back to normalcy.